Where does the meaning of life lies? ...

Working on this blog at 11.15pm, 17th July 2005, Sunday...

Pple says life is meaningful, I believed so. BUT, where does this meaning carries on to? Does it pause frm the moment a person breaths the last? Or does it ceased to exist once the person couldn't do anything for him/herself anymore?

I'll nv say to myself that there's no meaning in life, coz I always believe everyone lives for a reason, for a purpose. My parents gave me life, so therefore my meaningful in life is to make the most out of it, gif myself a goal in life, work hard, earn money and provide the best I could for my family. The worst anyone could haf ever felt was to feel unwanted and not cared for. I think I got into a state of depression before; that was during my 2nd yr of studies in poly. 9 moudules to handle; with all the projs & stuff. Crazy. Go arnd asking anyone in poly, who would haf taken 9 moudules in a sem, tt's extremely stressful lor. Projs could b due like within days of one another, with some 4 due within a day. Tons of readings to be done; tt was the MOST stressful period of my poly days. Becos of all these stress, I was v short tempered due to insufficient sleep. There was once I went 2 days sleepless in a row. I argued with my dad on one of the days I was supposed to do my projs. Couldn't take it anymore, locked myself in my room. Happened tt I saw a penknife on the floor. I jz took it and slash across my left hand repeatedly. Thinking back, I wonder where the courage came frm. There was blood, I end up the nxt day with multiple wounds. There was even 1 wound tt was so deep tt it left a scar on my hand; whenever I look back at it, it just remind me of those silly things I've done.

I always told myself never ever say "I want to die", "I'm better off dead". That became even more evident to me when I got into an accident early last yr and miraclly escaped alive. Life is that vulnerable & weak tt u'll know whether tmr anyone'll be dead or alive. Sigh.. I'm getting extremely emotional now.

Just now while waiting for the laundry to be done, the thoughts of my grandma jz came back to me. She passed away on the 12th July. Got 3 missed calls frm my dad & auntie tt morning. Then my dad called my workplace saying my grandma was not in a gd condition. Rushed dwn tt day to her hse, hoping tt she'll be alright. My heart was thumping very fast. Reached the place at 11.20am, she passed away at 12.10pm. Sigh.. It was really very very heart wrenching to see her go right in frnt of me lor. I was holding her hands, and pple were arnd her. She just slowly breathed her last.. And there, she was gone... Then when I held her hands again ltr, it was cold, very cold. She was very very pale.. Sigh.. =(

Yesterday was her funeral, she was buried at the Lim Chu Kang cemetry. The pple who took charge of the funeral brought everything to a total mess. When the coffin was carried onto the lorry, the sons, daughters-in-laws, daughters and all grandchldren are NOT supposed to watch the process. We were instead supposed to kneel down, heads facing downwards and hold a joss-stick. And upon rching the cemetry, we were supposed to to and so call 'invite" her down. The priest din even tell us to do tt. Damn mad leh.. She's already dead, why cant those dumb ones let her go in peace and do everything properly for her? Well.. mayb some pple r really ignorant of such stuff yeh? Maybe..

Tmr's the first 7th day of her death. Pple believed this is the day when they will go and see the close ones for the last time b4 they go on in the neither world. Really missed her so, so much. Sigh.. I cannot bear to see her go even thought it was a relief for her since she doesn't haf to suffer in pain. She was gone with peace on her face. But I can NEVER forget the moment when I held her hand and she passed away right in frnt of me; when she breathed her last and I had to accept she's gone forever.. I did cry, and feel alot of sadness. But she's gone rt, I can't change that. She's such a nice lady u noe, doted on my siblings and I alot. Feel so bad that our visits to her place gt lesser and lesser as we grew. When I thought I shd carry on and be strong, I saw my mom's sadness on her face.. Sigh.. My heart sank again. Who doesn't yearn for a mother's love? Even I do. I totally understand how she feels..

I dunno hw to describe my feelings nw also. When we sent her off on her last journey, alot of things came back to my mind. It's kinda hard to accept this reality. I hate to see my close ones gone u noe, I really hate to face up with the loss. Sigh.. I just hope she'll be fine and tt she wun be alone.. Hopefully she'll be able to take care of herself frm nw on.. -_-...

Life is vulnerable, it is weak. I've learned to treasure my life much more. Now I truely understand what the essence of cruelty in life is - It's to take away someone close to u and make u cry, feel sad and after tt facing up the the tough side of this reality..

So, where does the meaning of life carries on to? I think it continues. It carries on to pple who are living, so that they could do much much more and not regret anything in later life. The meaning of life don't ceased to exist after a person's death, it continues to bring even more meaning to whoever could create miracles out of it...