Self discovery...

Christ mentioned in one of her post on "Autophobia", which she describes as an extreme dislike of oneself, or being angry at oneself, commonly known as self-hatred or self-loathing.

I think I am like that.

Sometimes I just hate myself. There's so many things I want to achieve higher but found limitations. Recently I hate going to work. I'm dragging myself to it, and when I'm there I just want to finish off the day as soon as possible so that I could count down to the weekend. I do love the children, but there really a handful who really mark me dead.

Now I'm facing a lot more job responsibilities to more children at work, pressure from parents some of whom have silly and ridiculous demands and requests, so many children to handle.. Sometimes short-handed in other class would mean 1 less teacher in my class, and my class has at least 40 children now. Who can take it?!?!?! My temper is getting far worse than before lately. I get irritated very easily and I feel bad that I'm always throwing my temper at home. But everything just doesn't go right at all.

If anyone ask me what I want, I seriously do not know. Many says I need a change of job.. Maybe..? Working almost 5 years in my current place, many times thinking of quitting but always hold back. Infact I've typed my resignation letter for end of Feb this yr, but my PC broke down - which is trying to tell me something. If I quit, what for go for another job as another teacher in another place? If i do leave my currently job, I will never teach again.

I used to be able to look on the bright side of everything.. Everyday I convince myself take it easy.. Maybe now I need to slow down on everything and do some self reflection. I've got dreams, goals in my life.. But it's all about discovering myself and rekindling the passion and optimism.

I need time.

What I've always wanted to do:
1. Going for a professional make-up course. I've always been very very amazed by how make-up can totally transform a person. I love reading up on cosmetics and make-up, I read magazines and observe how the make-up of the models are done.. I own a lot of make-up but I hardly put on make-up. I hope there'll be a day when I can confidently put on make-up for people and transform the beauty out of them.

2. Europe. It's my LONG TIME DREAM of going europe. I want to visit Manchester, don myself in a ManU jersey and watch a live soccer match. It's really very very different watching it live and at home. I want to cheer for the team at my loudest and best. After that will be holidaying around europe.. visiting the exotic places of cultures, sceneries.. I promised myself I will get this done before I'm 30.

3. Renovating my house. I know I will never have the means to do it, but I HOPE I can one day.

4. Discovering myself. I need to re-identify and acknowledge my strengths..

I'll be going away on a week long leave , won't be working for a whopping 9 days. I'll take this period to think things carefully. Too many things happened lately. So scuffled with everything around me..

I need to learn how to be a happier person. I mean I'm happy with what I have, but it's just that little touch of the thoughts to open up a person's heart even more. Yup, that's what I want..